I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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