Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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