I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
