I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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