So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
