When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
