So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
