matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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