hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize