life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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