Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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