$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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