this boner is exhausting
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
