I heard we made out
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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