I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize