I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
