I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
