there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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