I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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