As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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