so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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