M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
