I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
