dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I wish I only lived at night.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
