I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
