did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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