I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
