Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
