Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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