Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize