I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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