Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
