I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
