I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
