I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
