is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
