This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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