so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
