I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
