another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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