he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
