I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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