Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
