My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
