Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
