After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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