you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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