Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
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