This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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