A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
