MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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