i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
