I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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