maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
