Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
