At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
