So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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