I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize