Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
