This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
