in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
