i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
