FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
