I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize