I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize