I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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